


Better than me

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-29
Updated: 2008-07-29
Packaged: 2019-01-19 06:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: James loses Lily, through a series of flash backs he reminisces about their time together. It leads him to seek her out and beg her back.





	Better than me

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

James Potter stood on the balcony of his apartment looking  
out at the Lights of London. Big Ben towered in the distance parliament was lit  
up like a shiny Christmas bauble. The biting wind cut into his face; stinging  
his cheeks and bringing tears to his eyes.

When he first got to London fresh out of Hogwarts School for  
Witchcraft and Wizardry, London had been the answer to a question he hadn’t  
known he had been asking. The noise and lights of the city, so different from  
the quite country side he had grown up in, had charmed him from the start. It  
had opened its vibrant loving arms to him and he had been enveloped in everything  
it had to offer. Almost losing himself. However, tonight it had lost all its  
charm. The enchantment had worn off and all he felt was a painful emptiness  
that gnawed at his centre.

Lowering his head he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  
Behind the veil of his eyelids he saw her face, soft and smiling, the dimple in  
her left cheek. She was laughing, looking at him over her shoulder. The wind  
was playing with her dark auburn hair, tossing it into her eyes and neck. The  
sparkle in her eyes was undeniably love. A love he had so carelessly thrown  
back in her face. Lily, his Lily. _“No”_ he thought shaking his head, _“not mine  
anymore.”_

Opening his eyes sharply he sighed deeply. This is what he  
wanted. Why was he so at a loss? Turning he walked back inside. His eyes easily  
picked up the holes that had been left by her things she had taken with her.  
Her grandmother’s lamp had stood on the side table, her family photographs and  
the pictures of them together that had lined the side board. One by one he  
gazed at each spot and remembered what had been there how they had added charm  
to the room.It made the ache worse and  
he walked swiftly to the bedroom where he collapsed on the counterpane.

It had all started about a year ago. They had been living  
together since Hogwarts. Lily had been working as writer for the Daily Prophet;  
He was playing the fool on the English Quidditch team. As the war got worse  
Lily’s work load increased. She began to be obsessed with the stories and her  
heart broke each time she wrote another obituary or a story about another  
attack. One particularly violent attack happened at a Quidditch game in Ireland  
that had lead to the death of half a million people. The Ministry of Magic had  
quickly called an end to all tournaments, terrified that the public gatherings  
would lead to more attacks. James had been devastated and angry; Lily had been  
terrified she’d lose him.

In defiance he had relied on the family money and not gotten  
a new job, the fights this caused with his father have gone down in Potter  
history. It had helped that Lily had sided with the old man. Then last March,  
just after James’ 20th birthday his father had a heart attack and  
died. James hadn’t spoken to him in three months. The Healer’s had blamed  
stress, Lily (and James secretly agreed with her) had blamed a broken heart.

Lily threw herself into her work, James into partying harder  
than ever. He’d go out every night and come home reeking of stale beer and  
cigarette smoke, and on more than one occasion cheap perfume. Lily pretended  
not to notice. To her credit she put up with him for a long time before the  
fights started.

She began to wait up for him then take him to task, where  
had he been, what had he done, how could he do this to her? The question had  
echoed in his head night after night, but he had to go out the next, he  
couldn’t take the way she blamed him for the rift that had torn them apart. He  
could see the pain in her eyes and it killed him, so he drank and the drinking  
lead him down the path of the completely brainless. So eventually he ended it.

It felt funny to think of it so simply. There had been  
nothing simple about it. His heart had been screaming in pain in his chest, he  
felt like he could breathe, but his head kept yelling at him that it wasn’t  
fair to treat her like this, not when he loved her so much.So he had stood in front of her and said two  
words that had really torn his life apart: “It’s over.” It still hurt to think  
about the way her face had crumpled. She hadn’t shed a tear, hadn’t yelled. She  
just nodded her head and walked out the door. When he woke the next morning,  
hung over and sick to his stomach, all her things had gone. He went straight to  
the toilet and vomited.

Now three weeks later he felt  
like a zombie. He couldn’t look at her side of the bed, he couldn’t eat or sleep  
and his mind tortured him playing snapshots of her over and over again. Her  
smile, her tears, her temper, her compassion. He relived moments of the past so  
many time he felt like he was stuck in permanent limbo. He had been a fool, but  
she deserved better than a fucker like him.

 

James lay in a catatonic state on the bed staring at the  
roof. He didn’t hear the door open nor did he feel the bed sag beside him. All  
he could think about was the way she tasted when he kissed her.

“You’ve got to stop this you know,” came a voice from beside  
him. James didn’t give any indication that he had heard. “James, mate, wake  
up!” came a sharp bark.

James blinked slowly and turned his head to look at the man  
sitting next to him. “What?” he said, his voice hoarse from not being used.

“Snap out of it, it’s time to join the land of the living.”

“Sirius, fuck off.”

The face of Sirius Black darkened instantly in anger. He had  
been James’ friend for a long time, but there came a turning point in every  
relationship and Sirius could feel himself reaching his. “Would you stop with  
this self indulgent bullshit! I’m so sick of you right now I have half a mind  
to throw you out the window to see if you can fly!”

“I’m not in the mood for you either. Just fuck off and leave  
me alone,” James retorted harshly standing up and moving to the door indicating  
for his friend to leave.

“Why? So you can lie here in your own filth? You can’t be  
serious.”

“I said leave. And for the record I deserve to be miserable  
so let me be.”

“Yes, you do deserve it,” Sirius barked, barely containing  
his rage. “You hurt her really bad. She’s a complete mess and she doesn’t  
deserve to be miserable! Maybe it would be better if you just slit your wrists  
and saved us all the heart ache.”

WHACK! James' fist connected to his friend’s jaw. He had  
taken as much as he could, and his pent up anger spilled over uncontrollably. Predictably  
Sirius hit back. James felt the air leave his lungs as the bigger man’s fist  
hit him full in the stomach. He didn’t even think of reaching for the wand in  
his pocket, the physical pain just felt so good; it was better to feel  
something tangible in the place of the deep aching in his soul. He swung out  
again, finding Sirius’ eyebrow, splitting it open. Sirius then split his lips  
and broke a rib. James’ kept fighting, swinging out blindly. Sirius dipped and  
dodged frustrating James by staying just out of reach. But still he swung  
feeling the need to pummel his anger out on someone. Sirius retaliated by  
shoving James hard. He stumbled backwards and collided with the wall.

Slowly he slid down exhausted and in pain. His breathing was  
painful due to the broken rib and his blood tasted metallic in his mouth.  
Sirius, feeling his jaw tenderly sat down beside him. The pair sat in silence  
for a few moments before Sirius spoke.

“You have to stop punishing yourself, James.”

James spat some blood out and banged his head against the  
wall. Pain shot into his brain and wincing he reached us to rub the tender spot.“She deserves better than me,” he said  
eventually. “I wish she was here with me, I wish I had made her happy, but she  
deserves better and I can’t put her through any more pain.”

“You should tell her that. She thinks you’ve found someone  
else.”

James now felt the pain shooting into his heart at the  
thought of how she thought he could love anyone but her. “She wouldn’t listen  
if I tried.”

“Make her listen, Prongs!” Sirius said slipping into the  
familiar school days nickname. “If anyone can it’s you, anyway you’ve done it before.”

James looked up at his friend  
and smiled for what felt like the first time in years. Slowly he nodded his  
head and stood up.

 

The door of the apartment building burst open as James  
hurtled through, running as if the devil himself were after him. It had started  
to rain since he had left the balcony, but he barely noticed the drops of water  
streaming into his eyes and down the collar of his shirt. The thought occurred  
to him that he could Apparate, but he felt that he had to work hard to  
apologise and running was a good place to start. Sirius had told James she was  
staying with friends of hers, Alice and Frank Longbottom.

His breath burning in his lungs, the muscles in his legs  
screamed in protest, but on he ran regardless of any discomfort. He was feeling  
masochistic and reveled in the pain. By the time he reached the door of Alice’s  
one-up-one-down apartment he felt near to collapse, but he was now past the  
point of no return. He had to explain himself, even if only to ease her pain.  
He stood in front of the stain glass-paneled door for several minutes unable to  
raise his hand to knock, unable to turn away. The decision was taken out of his  
hands when the portal swung open.

Frank blinked at James startled by his sudden appearance on  
his doorstep. “James, it’s not a good idea for you to be here.”

“I’m the king of bad ideas, one more isn’t going to make my  
life worse than it already is,” James replied, stealing himself for another  
fight.

Frank stared at him for a long moment before nodding his  
head. “I’ve got to get some milk, but the girl’s have ordered pizza,” Frank  
said quietly while he eased past the man before him. He then leaned in and  
whispered, “Its Lily’s treat.” Frank then hopped down the steps and sauntered  
into the darkness.

James turned back to the door, took a deep breath and rapped  
his knuckles against the glass. It felt like time had slowed down as he waited  
hearing the footsteps approaching the door. Lily pulled it open focused on  
getting money out of her purse. This allowed James a few precious moments to  
take the sight of her in. She had lost weight, but she was still the most  
beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on.

“How much wil…?” The question died on her lips as she looked  
up and saw him. She made to slam the door in his face, but he was too quick for  
her, flinging out and arm to hold it back.

“You don’t have to say anything, just listen to what I have  
to say.” He searched her face frantically looking for some sign of an emotion  
in her huge emerald eyes. She didn’t say a word, but looked away from him like  
she couldn’t bear to see him. He took a deep breath.

“I just wanted to apologise. I have no excuse for what I  
did, and I don’t want you to expect one.I was an idiot, who threw away the best thing that ever happened to him  
and for that I desperately want to say I’m sorry.” No change she still wouldn’t  
look at him.

Running a hand through his hair in frustration he turned  
away for a second trying to fight off the feeling like he was drowning. Turning  
around he started to pour his heart out to her in the middle of the street: “I  
told myself I wouldn’t miss you, that I had stopped feeling that way about you.  
I tried to convince myself that it was the truth, but you are my heart and  
soul. You took everything I cared about with you. I miss you so much that it  
aches! Physically aches! I miss you laugh, your smile, your mumbling in your  
sleep, the way you taste and smell. I feel like I have lost what makes me  
human.

She had turned to look at him now. Watching him as he paced  
up and down before her. Tears glistened in her eyes. Encouraged he persevered.  
“The one thing I wish more than anything is to take back those words that took  
you out of my life and to replace them with words of love that I will say for  
the rest of my life.But I’m not expecting  
anything because I know that you deserve better. Better than me, better than  
how I treated you and as much as I want to take it back, I can’t. I will walk  
out of your life right now if that is what you want, because all I want from  
now on is to make you happy.”He turned  
and looked her in the eyes. “I just want you to know, that it’s you. It has  
always been you and absolutely no one else.”

Nothing, no reaction. James felt his heart plummet right  
through his shoes and into the solid ground beneath his feet. Her face looked  
like it was set in stone, just tears coursing down her face told him he’d been  
heard. Taking her silence as her answer he nodded her head and descended the  
stairs walking into the darkness.

The sound of his shoes clicking against the pavement sounded  
like hammer falls in his head. Echoing loudly the emptiness in his heart. He  
could feel the tears stinging his eyes and hoped he could get far away enough  
before he broke down. He thought that he could hear her calling out to him, but  
it was probably the beckoning of another bittersweet memory tugging at the  
edges of his consciousness.Her voice  
sounded so real, so close that the tears finally spilled down his cheeks.

“James!”

He turned thinking he was going insane, that she couldn’t really  
be behind him, but there she was running towards him. Her hair was steaming  
behind her, her face tear stained and all he could do was stand there  
dumbstruck. Within moments she had reached him and thrown her arms around his  
neck. He reached up and held her tightly against him thinking he would die from  
how good she felt to hold.

She sobbed into his chest, her tears hot as they seeped  
through the material of his shirt and in turn he cried into her hair; cried  
from relief, love and heartache. Finally she lifted her head and wiped the  
tears from his cheeks with trembling fingers.

“Where are you going?” She asked, her voice thick with  
tears, her eyes sparkling with love.

“Home.” Was all he could say  
before she reached up and pressed her lips to his.

 

James Potter stood on the balcony looking out over the sparkling  
lights of London. . Big Ben towered in the distance; parliament was lit up like  
a shiny Christmas bauble.A cool breeze  
lifts his hair away from his face, tossing and playing with it like the gentle  
hand of a lover. He takes a deep steadying breath and closes his eyes for a  
second. Behind him he hears a key slide into the lock and turned, then the  
staccato sound of high heels tapping on the floor. He doesn’t turn around, he  
doesn’t need to. He can tell by the smell that it’s her. She always smelled so  
sweet.

The taps got louder as she walked towards him to lean  
against the balcony at his side, her small hand finding his and slipping into  
its protective fold. “Hi,” she said softly.

James pulled her closer to him as he whispered hello back  
and kissed her hair. Together they stood looking at the lights twinkle below  
them. James’ heart soared higher than he could ever imagine. She was back where  
she belonged. With him.

 


End file.
